JOKES IN ENGLISH.





Joke no. 1


An Arab in Radio Club


One day an Arab came to Radio club and sat in a corner with a worried face.

One Sindhi saw him and asked ,'Why all this sorrow?'

The Arab replied,' I am suffering from a rare disease and I need a particular type of blood which is available only in India .'

And he named the rare blood group.


Our Sindhi jumped up and said, 'Allah be praised. What luck .! That is my blood group . I will gladly give my blood to you.'

The Arab was so pleased that on the next day , he presented a Mercedes car and Rs. 5OO, OOO to our Sindhi .

Afterwards they went together to the hospital.

The Doctors complimented the two on successful transfusion of blood.

After one year , the same Arab returned to India and contacted our Sindhi friend .

But this time the Arab gave nothing to the Sindhee

Our Sindhi was perplexed and said to the Arab,' Why brother ! You are angry with me ! You are offering me absolutely nothing this time.''

The Arab smiled and said 'No brother. I cannot be angry with you. But please remember. I have now your blood in my veins.'

End of the joke

End of the joke


Joke no. 2


The wise king


This is probably the oldest joke in the world, It took place during the reign of pharaohs in 2OOO B.C

Two neighbors were constantly arguing. One was a cobbler . The other one was a musician.

The Musician would say ,' Your hammering disturbs my singing. I cannot sing in rhythm.'

The cobbler would reply , ; Your singing torments me . I cannot concentrate on my work. While listening to your music , many a times I have hit my fingers with my hammer.'

So fighting like this they went to the king for a decision.

The king listened to them with great attention, then said, 'How stupid both of you are .! Just change the rooms.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 3


The Indian Crabs

A restaurant owner went to a Bangkok market to buy crabs for his restaurant.

The shopkeeper opened the first basket and showed them to the customer and said,' These are local Thai crabs .'

The customer declined and said,' They look sick.'

The shopkeeper opened the second basket and showed him the crabs.

And said,These are Indonesian crabs,'

The customer said, 'But they are very small. Show me some other variety,'

The shopkeeper showed him the third quality but there was no lid on the basket.

The customer said,'These are splendid but why no lid on the basket?"

The shopkeeper replied, 'These are Indian crabs . Whenever any crab tries to climb out, the others pull him back . So I do not need any lid,'.

End of the joke


Joke no. 4


A Methodical neighbour

Our neighbour said to me, 'I am a very methodical and excellent planner.'

I asked him,' How ?'

He replied ,'Every morning when I get up , the first thing I do is to go through the morning paper to check the departed person's list and see if my name and photo are there.If not , I heave a sigh of relief and start planning for my day'

End of the joke


Joke no. 5


Secret of sweetness

A person said to his friend,' Credit to you . Even after 1O years of marriage , you are speaking so sweetly to your wife on the telephone.'

The friend replied, 'But that is not my wife., It is yours.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 6


A person said to his friend with pride,' My wife is an angel.'

His friend replied ,'You are lucky . Mine is still alive.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 7


After Marriage

A lady said,' My husband now after our marriage has become a millionare.'

Her friend inquired ,' What was he before the marriage?

The lady replied, 'A Multi millionare.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 8
Strange Disease

One person visited a doctor and said 'Doctor ! I have a serious problem . Whenever my wife speaks to me , I can't hear anything but when others speak to me , I hear very clearly . Please help me.'

Doctor replied,' God has given you a gift and you want to return it . I will not help you in such an ungodly action . You seem to be a holy person .Pray to God for a similar gift to me.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 9


To make a fool of oneself

In a train that was about to leave the platform , one person came rushing in a compartment . There was already another person seated there.

He said to the person already seated ',My God ! It is so hot .'

And he switched on the A/C

The other person got annoyed, and said to himself, Evidently he has no manners. He did not ask for my permission to start the A/C.'

So he said ,,'It is already cool. Don't start the A/c.

So they got into an argument and nearly came to blows.

Meantime the guard arrived on the scene and said , 'What is this argument about?'

Both the passangers turned to him and gave their points of view.

The guard replied, "My God ! But the A/C is out of order.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 10


Strange sickness

One patient went a doctor.

"Doctor"! He said. 'I have a problem. Whenever someone says a number, I start counting further,'

The doctor gave him a medicine and said, 'This is a peculiar case. You can pay me afterwards'

After a few days the patient returned and said, Doctor! I am completely cured. How much may I pay you?

The doctor said,' Five hundred only.'

The patient said," What only five hundred! Five hundred and one: Five hundred and two! Five hundred and three……...'

And he went on.

The doctor folded his hands and said to him. Evidently you are not cured. Please leave me in peace.'

The patient went out and said to himself, My God! Five hundred only!'

And he went home laughing to himself.

End of the joke


Joke no. 11


The Clever Servant

The man of the house returned home in a gloomy mood.

He was greeted by a fragrant smell of pure Ghee.

He said to the servant ,'' Listen : I have lost my job today . Until I get another job , no more of these costly things like pure Ghee . Cut the expenses drastically.'

Next evening when he returned , there was once again a fragrant smell of Ghee.

He said to the servant ,'Did I not tell you that I have lost my job and until I get another one ,no more of geeh and such costly things;

The servant replied ,'But Sir! I am making the dish only for myself for I have not lost my job.'

Now ,would you like to have such an intelligent servant. I could send you one.

End of the joke


Joke no. 12


Photo in the Newspaper

The poor man had just entered the house after a tough day at the office ,when his wife confronted him

She asked ,'Do you know what has happened?'

'No! ' replied the husband

'Our neighbour's photo has come in the papers.'My God ! What a publicity.'

'Do you know he has been caught in a big smuggling racket ? 'countered the husband

'So what ?''replied the wife,'A photo is a photo.Why it has appeared ,makes no difference',

By the way , next month , we are having a grand party at home. The cream of the society will be here...Please do see that your photo also somehow appears in the newspapers. It will make a tremendous impact on all my friends.', the wife said .

The poor man just smiled. So diplomatic !. He was a big shot in the Indian diplomatic service

End of the joke


Joke no. 13


The Clever Father

The father and the son were sitting in a restaurant having a nice chat.

Suddenly the child asked , Father ! How far is the moon from the earth ?"

The father was quiet for a moment,

Then he said," Son : I don't know .'

After a few minutes, the son asked again," Father! Why does the moon shine less than the sun?;

The father was again quiet for a minute.

Then he said,! I am sorry my son! I do not know why.'

Again after a few minutes, the son asked, "Why does the moon look sometimes small and sometimes big?'

Once again the father replied, ',Sorry my son.! I do not know the answer.'

Again after a few minutes, the son started to ask something but stopped midway,

The father said ,'My son! Do ask me questions otherwise how will you have general knowledge?.

But the son only smiled to himself.

Why did the son do that ? Will anyone tell me?

End of the joke


Joke no. 14


Musical Ear

Sindhis are often ridiculed for their lack of musical ear.

I beg to differ:

Drop a gold coin on the floor,Only a sindhi will tell you how many carats it has.

End of the joke


Joke no. 15


The inevitable end

The couple was dining in a five start hotel under a very cordial atmosphere.

Suddenly the wife turned to the husband and said, Why you are saying: You are right: even before I have completed the sentence?'

The husband replied ,'What does it matter if I say :You are right: before or at the end of the sentence? It has to be: You are right. So I accept the inevitable end gracefully. It saves tension'..

How do you tackle this eternal problem? Think it over and let us know.

End of the joke


Joke no. 16


The laziest Student

The teacher was just fed up with his students.

He said ," Never in my lifetime , I have come across such a bunch of lazy students.'

Suddenly he had a brainwave.

He said, 'Who is the laziest amongst you ? I shall give him hundred rupees.'

All the students jumped up , raised their hands and said,' Sir : I am the laziest.'

But one student kept sitting.

The teacher asked him ,'Why haven't you got up?'

He replied ,' Sir : It is a strain to get up.'

The teacher said ,'Evidently you win hands down. Well come to the stage and take 1OO Rupees.'

The student replied ' 'Sir : It is too much of a strain to get up and walk to the stage ' Please put the note in my pocket.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 17


Mobile Numbers

Two British tourist girls approached an inspector of police and said ,'We are being followed by two people and they have been pestering us to give them our mobile numbers .'

The inspector of police said ,'Don't do that . Give them to me .'

End of the joke


Joke no. 18


An Italian Guide

The Italian Guide of a group of tourists became very emotional and said , 'Never in my life , have I come across such a congenial and intelligent group like today's..'

And he went on with the praise.

An American who saw through his game that he was working towards better tips, asked,'And how many times a day, do you find such congenial and intelligent groups?'

End of the joke


Joke no. 19


A Smoking Personality

In front of a posh departmental stood a person smoking a big Havana Cigar.

A passer by stopped and looked at him in wonder.

He said to him ,"What a fragrance ! How many such cigars do you smoke a day ?'

The person was amused at this question but answered out of courtsy," Not many. Around ten a day or may be more at times.',

The passerby asked,'If you do not mind , tell me how much one costs?'

The person replied, Not much ! Around Rs. 1OO per cigar'

The passerby asked , My God ! How many years have you been smoking ?'

The man was amused at the barrage of questions but replied patiently, 'Around 5O years,'

The passerby exclaimed ,'My God ! Do you realise that if you had not been smoking , this building you are standing in front of you , would have been yours.'

The man was by now annoyed and asked the passerby,' Evidently you are a non smoker, ''Does this building belong to you.?'

The passerby replied ,' No,'

The man replied ,'Well ! It belongs to me.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 20


Home sick

A customer entered a restaurant with a gloomy face and sat in a corner.

The waitress went over and asked him ' What would you like to have ?'

The customer replied ,' A burnt out toast and a black coffee without milk or sugar.'

The waitress gave him a surprised look but she was used to such customers...

So she quietly brought what she was asked for and said ,'Okay ?'

The customer replied , 'Now sit opposite to me and nag me . I am home sick.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 21
A sincere Hostess

My wife and myself were once invited by a Sindhi couple from Indonesia for Dinner.

When we arrived there , the hostess said with pride, ' Your wife told me that you like to drink only chilled beer. So I have put one bottle in the freezer for over 2 hours.

'I replied ,'That would be indeed wonderful .Thank you.

'After a few mintutes , she brought a bottle which was nearly frozen.

So I said , 'Don't open it now .,Wait for 1O Minutes. Then I will drink it.'

She said, 'Okay.

"Within a minute she was back with another bottle , which was absolutely warm and said,' Here ! Meantime you drink this.'

'It was mercy of God that she had yet not opened this Bottle.

It took me quite some time to convince her not to open this bottle.

End of the joke


Joke no. 22
The wily Professor

This is really an incident that happened in a college in Pune.

A Professor of Literature had a habit of always finding fault in the essays written by his students.

Once the students got together and said ,' He is going too far . Let us teach him a lesson.'

'So they took extracts from his various articles written before and made it cleverly into a single article.

Then they gave it to the Professor , 'Sir! Give us your opinion about this article.

'The Prof. went through the article quickly and said ,' Unfortunately , there are quite a few mistakes in it. Let me show them to you.

'But before he could start , the students said , 'But Sir ! That is an extract from your articles.'

'The professor was taken aback but quickly recovered and said ,' Do you realise how much I have progressed. Imagine! I can find mistakes in my own writings.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 23
Party bird

I said to a friend,' Ever night you are out for a party Don't you ever get tired ?'

He replied ,'My God ! No. I enjoy every minute of it.'

I said, 'You must be meeting all types of people ! How do you find out the intelligent ones ?'

He replied,' Very simple. Their views are similar to mine .'

End of the joke


Joke no. 24
Fierce Competition

Two tooth paste manufactureres were fighting it out through big advertisements

One of them had a brain wave.

He put up a banner with the words, 'When you use our tooth paste, you will have the whitest possible teeth.'

Next morning , he was horrified to read an additional line, underneath 'Does not matter if they fall off.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 25
Real Nurse

The nurse woke up the patient and said ,'Here! Take these sleeping tablets.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 26
A mouse amongst Lions

A marriage procession of lions was going along in a jungle when a mouse joined them and started dancing.

The lions were amazed and said to the mouse ,'You are not one of us .Why have you joined us?'

The mouse replied ,'I was a lion before the marriage . This is what I am now.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 27
Father, son and the donkey

A man and his son along with their donkey were going through a jungle.

Suddenly they were accosted by a person who said,' Both of you are walking along with your donkey. At least one of you should ride the donkey.'

Hearing this, the father put his son on the donkey.

After sometime, they met another person, who said to the son', Imagine a young man riding a donkey while the old father walks behind. Shame on you.'

Hearing this, the father asked the son to get down and mounted the donkey himself

After some time they met another person, who said, 'Your donkey seems to be strong enough to carry both of you. Why walk in the sun?'

So the father asked his son also to ride the donkey.

After some time they met another person who said, 'Imagine both of you riding a poor donkey. Shame on you,'

This time, the father did not know what to do

That is life. You can't please one and all. Listen to all, think it over but decide yourself what to do. Anyway, whatever you do, it is okay by me, only don't carry the donkey...

End of the joke


Joke no. 28
The king and queen of pick pockets.

Once a man was getting into a bus .Suddenly he felt that someone was trying to pick his pocket.

He caught the person red handed ,It turned out to be a lady

He said.'How dare you try to pick my pocket ? Do you know who I am .?'

The lady replied, 'No I don't know who you are . But this is the first time someone has caught me red handed 'Well .,I am the queen of pickpockets .'I am astonished at myself.'

The man laughed and said,,',Well, don't blame yourself . for I am the king of pickpockets'

They exchanded cards and started meeting each other regularly.

They fell in love with each other and got married.

In due course they had a baby boy

In the hospital, suddenly the nurse said 'My God! I have lost my ring .'

The mother just laughed and opened the fist of the child. And lo ! There was a ring in it.

She gave it back to the nurse who was delighted beyond words

Can you believe this? Do let me know.

End of the joke


Joke no. 29
Woman

Woman inspires us to great things, and then prevents us from achieving them. -

End of the joke


Joke no. 30
Bad luck with both the wives

My friend said, "I have had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one wouldn't." -

End of the joke


Joke no. 31
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?

A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

End of the joke


Joke no. 32
Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

End of the joke


Joke no. 33
Difference between Mother and Wife

Q: What's the difference between mother & wife?

A: One woman brings you crying into the world & the other ensures you continue to do so.

End of the joke


Joke no. 34
Two psycologists

Two psycologists bumped into each other.

Both said,'You are fine. How am I?'

End of the joke


Joke no. 35
Secret of good health.

I saw a man who even at 9O, was playing tennis.

I really admired the man. So agile.

So I asked him,'What is the secret of your good health,?'

He replied, 'Everyday I play tennis with my father.'

I was wonderstruck and asked him,'My God! And how old is he ?'

He replied,'Around 11O.'

I asked him," You come so regularly but you were absent last week.What happened ?.'

He replied,'My father was getting married.'

I said,''Miracle of God ! He must have been delighted?'

He replied,'What delighted ? He had to.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 36
Birthday party

The birthday party was in full swing. There was laughter around.

Suddenly a young man turned to the girl nearby, whose birthday was being celebrated and said ,' See that old and ugly man! I wonder how he has got in at your birthay party.'

The girl went red in the face and said ,'Do you know who he is ?.'

The young man said, 'No,tell me.'

The girl said ,'Well ,he is my father.'

The youg man was taken aback but he recovered and asked, 'Do you know who I am.?'

The girl replied, 'No! I don't.'

The young man said ,! Thank God,'

And he bolted from there.

End of the joke


Joke no. 37
A genuine complaint

A person said to his friend,' Day and night my wife is troubling me by asking for money .'

The friend replied,'Why don't you ask her why she wants it'.

The person replied ,'It is no use .I just don't give her anything.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 38
Ek Gobi

In our neighbourhood lived a jolly couple : Rekha : Gobind

One day when Gobind was going to the office in the morning,he happened to look at his name plate,

He was surprised for the name plate read Ek Gobi.

Some naughty child from the neighbourhood had blackened a few alphabets.

Can you tell which ones? Write to me.

Gobind started laughing and calling all his neighbours, he showed them the name plate and said, We have to admit that we have very clever children in our neighbourhood.'

What would you have done under the circumtances? Write to me.

End of the joke


Joke no. 39
The perfect Linguist

During my trip to Germany, the landlady where I was to stay requested an Indian student to go to the airport to help me, if there was any problem and also fetch me.

But when he saw me talking me in German,he said ,'Unecessarily the landlady sent me to fetch you from the airport. But evidently she did not know about your knowing German. Anyway, she always sends me to the airport to fetch students for she knows when I speak German ,people get surprised.'

Without realising the implications of this remark , I told this to the landlady.'

She said ,'He is absolutely right for when he speaks , we do get puzzled for we do not know if he is speaking German or English.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 40


Before and after the marriage

One day a couple dropped in my house and I told them the following joke

Just before the marriage, the fiancée asked him,’ How many spoons of sugar would you like to have for tea?'

He said, Darling! Just stir it with your finger.’

After one year, the wife asked him the same question.’ He replied,’Three.’

The couple listened to the joke. The husband looked very fondly at his wife and said, ’With me it is the reverse. Before the marriage, I used one spoon of sugar for a cup of tea. Now I do not use any.’

Any comments? Where do you stand? Please do write to me.

When I told all this to another friend,he was very skeptic about it and said,'You should have asked him,if he had become diabetic after the marriage.'

But I have no intention of losing friends.


End of the joke


Joke no. 41font>


An easy solution

A friend of mine once said to me,' My God! This fellow phones me 1O times a day. He is just eating my brain.;'

I said, ‘That is news.’

My friend gave me a puzzled look and said, What news?

I said,'I did not know you had a brain. How can one eat something that does not exist?’

My friend said,’ My God! Instead of helping me, you are making fun of me.

I told him,'You should have taken his first call and known the reason for his phoning you.'

My friend said ,'Oh my God ! That did not occur to me.'

Now what is your opinion about this man? Do write to me.

In life there are so many persons like him who don't work in proper fashion. They complicate things for themselves and others

And above all claim they are overworked and waste your time in trying to convince you about it. Find me one person who says he is disorganized but is doing his best to put things in order.

End of the joke


Joke no. 42


Two Stupid persons found two bombs on the road.

One of them said,'Let us go to the police and give them these bombs'

The other one replied,'What is one of them bursts on the way.?'

The first one said,'We will lie to the police that we found only one.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 43


Beggar and the girl friend

Beggar: 'Sir,Give me ten rupees for tea.'

The man said: But a cup of tea costs only Rs.5

The beggar replied,'Sir,' But I have also to give tea to my girl friend .'

Man: I didn't know that you beggars also made girl friends.'

Beggar: No Sir :' It is the girl friends who make us beggars.

End of the joke


Joke no. 44


Present before suicide

The husband said to the wife,'I am so sick of your daily requests that I have decided to commit suicide.'

The wife replied: 'Before you do so, buy me a white sari which will be useful after your death.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 45


Two deaths in the family

A person cried a lot on his father’s death.

People consoled him over it.

Meantime, he received his sister’s phone call.

At this he started sobbing even more.

People asked him, 'What has happened?

He said, What a calamity! My sister's father has also died.’

End of the joke


Joke no. 46


A Miser

One day a few guests came to the house of a miser'

The wife said to the husband,'Go and bring something for the guests.'

The miser went out and brought a taxi'

(sindhi by Inayat memon)

>
End of the joke


Joke no. 47


Fooling someone

Translation in Sindhi Arabi cby Inayat Memon Friend : Are you trying to make a fool of me?

Reply: I let nature take its own course. I dare not interfere.

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End of the joke


Joke no. 48


Unfair allegations

Wife: You are always accusing me of buying unnecessary things.Look at yourself. You have bought a fire extinguishher last year. Have you used it until today?

End of the joke


Joke no. 49


Lucky Friend

I bumped into a friend of mine. He look so happy.

I asked him, What is the reason of your looking so happy?

He replied" I paid of my debts last night.'

I asked,'Where did you get the money from?'

He said'Nothing of the sort.My creditor had a heart attack last night and died.

End of the joke


Joke no. 50


Money and Experience

A friend asked me 'How did you make your fortune.

I replied,'I became the partner of a very rich man. He had money and I had experience

The friend asked,So what happened?'

I replied,'Now I have his money and he has my experience'

End of the joke


Joke no. 51


a sprint race

Boy to the mother,'I won this watch in a sprint race.'

Mother asked proudly,'Who were your competitors?"

The boy replied,'The owner of the watch,the policeman and myself.'

End of the joke


Joke no. 52


I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in,
she said: Cheque books.

End of the joke


Joke no. 53


Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

End of the joke




Joke no. 54


Psycology of a woman

The function was over and the audience was on the way out

While going out, Mohan suddenly chanced to see a very beautiful young girl at the entrance .
He stood transfixed to the ground.
Somehow he gathered courage and approached her .
Mohan said ,' Have I not seen you before?.'
The girl gave him an unfriendly look,'I have heard that line before. Give me another one.'
Mohan said,' Well,,could I know your name ?'
The girl replied angrily,'Why should I tell you that my name is Preeti.'
Mohan got stunned but said courageously,'Could I have your mobile number.?'
Again the girl replied angrily,Why should I give you my mobile number.?I will give you my card instead.'
And she opened her purse ,took it out and gave it to him.
And she started walking away.
Mohan was bewildered and continued looking at her.
Suddenly she looked back and gave him a big smile .
Mohan got confused and did not know what to make of it.
Next day,he went to his best friend and narrated all that had happened .
His friend was also confused but said,,I have a very good friend,who is a marriage councellor .We shall go to him but give him two days to recover from a shock.'
Mohan said,'What happened?'
The friend replied,'His wife left him yesterday after ten years of marriage.'



End of the joke




There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking - It’s called wife



Sent by : Dileep Ratnani, Ontario, Canada



Joke no. 55


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


End of the joke


Joke no. 56


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

End of the joke


Joke no. 57


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Anonymous


End of the joke